Fic: Pods, Alien Probing, and Zombies - Oh My!, PG-13

[spoonyriffic]

Title: Pods, Alien Probing, and Zombies - Oh My!
Word Count: ~850
Pairing: None.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings and/or Spoilers: Much crack. Pods and zombie speculation. General spoilers for S6.
Author's Notes: Another comment!fic that was so long, it was too long to properly post in a comment. The character limit on comments is way too short! Inspired by a string of comments in pruehall's latest rant on her LJ, bemoaning how Ziva's been acting. The comments that this fic spawned from pondered the location of all the dead petty officers in NCIS-world. Also contains some other weirdness that S6 has generated.
Summary: Some pressing questions are answered, some are left unanswered, and Abby is suspicious.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the lint in my pockets and a bookcase full of psychology and crime books.



"Tony?"

Tony looked up from his sandwich. "Yeah, Abs?"

Abby stood in front of his desk, one boot tapping sporadically on the carpeted floor. She twisted one of her pigtails between her fingers, and she had a curious look on her face.

"What happened, Tony?"

Tony paused, looked down at himself, and then looked up at Abby. "Abs, if you mean the state of my suits, I can explain-"

"No, not that." Abby narrowed her eyes. "Though I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Haven't you ever heard of a tailor?"

"Abby-"

"I know this really nice one downtown - he'll dress you up, make you pretty! Maybe a blood-red shirt... ooh, and leather pants. He also sells nifty makeup on the side. I think that black eyeliner will really bring out your green eyes, and-"

"ABBY." Tony dropped his sandwich and dusted the crumbs off of his hands. "What the hell kind of tailor are you talking about?"

"A tailor who obviously knows more about measuring suits than yours does, because you're practically busting at the seams, and-"

"Are you calling me fat?"

Abby's eyes grew wide. "No, of course not Tony! I mean, you're no bean-pole or anything-" Tony pursed his lips. "-but you're definitely not fat. More like... muscular."

Tony stared at her.

"Forget about it Tony. And you're definitely going to see that tailor-"

"I'm not going to see any tailor that will put black eyeliner on me, Abby."

Abby scoffed. "That's what you say now. But what I wanted to ask you, Tony-"

"Ask Tony what?"

Abby whirled around at Ziva and pointed a finger at her.

"You! You go away! You've been acting all weird and whiny and bitchy and... stupid! You've been turned into Pod!Ziva!"

Ziva blinked, shrugged, then started to walk toward the elevators. Abby turned back around and whispered to Tony, "See? She's totally Pod!Ziva. The real Ziva would never have let me tell her what to do!"

Tony sighed. "She keeps stalking me. I thought the whole thing with Jeanne was bad - but I caught her sniffing one of my socks earlier. I don't know about any pod, but she's definitely been probed by some aliens."

Abby nodded sagely. "And McGee makes fun of me for believing in aliens and the paranormal."

"McWeirdo has been acting odd lately too. Maybe they've been probed together." Tony paused. “Ew.”

Abby blinked, and then waved her hand. "You keep distracting me! Tell me - what happened to all the dead petty officers?"

Tony stared at her. "Dead petty officers?"

"YES! They've disappeared! Vanished! Went poof! Vamoosed!"

Tony thought about it. "You know, I don't know."

"You guys have been investigating all these weird cases... it's like we don't even work for the Naval Criminal Investigative Service! A Naval officer will be vaguely tied to a case, but that's it! It eventually degenerates into some weird... thing that doesn't even make sense! I mean, I don't WANT people to die... but criminy!"

"I think Vance is eating them."

Abby's mouth dropped open. "Vance eats people?"

"Dead people. I saw him chowing down on one of Ducky's corpses in Autopsy." Tony leaned closer and whispered, "I think he's a zombie."

"That would explain a lot." Abby nodded. "He's always been a little off." Her eyes widened. "You think his wife and kids are zombies too?"

Tony nodded sadly. "Most likely. You can't really hide something like that for long. I think his wife would know if she were banging a corpse."

Gibbs stormed into the bullpen. "We've got bodies, people."

Tony stood up and strapped his gun to his belt. "Bodies, boss? As in plural?"

"As in plural, DiNozzo." Gibbs looked pissed. "Shenandoah National Park - there's a whole pile of them in a crevice somewhere. The park rangers followed the smell."

"Gross." Abby scrunched up her nose.

"Looks like they've been partially eaten, too."

Tony and Abby looked at each other, and mouthed, "Vance."

Gibbs paused, and looked around. "Where the hell is McGee? And Ziva?"

"Ziva was just here a minute ago," Tony hoped that she wasn't doing anything weird, like humping his car. Again. "And the Probster, he was called into Vance's office, and..." He trailed off. He craned his head to look up the stairs, and then he slowly turned around to stare wide-eyed at Abby and Gibbs.

"Maybe Vance doesn't eat the living?" Abby tentatively offered.

"Oh no, he eats the living." Gibbs said matter-of-factly. "McGee'll be fine, for a minute. Vance hates the taste of Elf Lords."

"Thank God for that."

Gibbs strolled away. "C'mon DiNozzo - let's go rescue McGee." He stopped and turned to look at him. "And I saw Ziva heading for the garage. You might want to be careful driving tonight." He paused. “And bring wet-naps with you.”

Tony gulped. "Got it, boss."


The Deranged End.